When I started this blog, I wanted to tell everyone the whole truth about this process. I don't want to sugar coat anything or pretend it's all sunflowers and daisies. So here's the truth. When people think of missionaries, they think of people who pack up their bags and leave either their country or at least their home to go do God's work. People praise them for their faithfulness to God and how humble they are for giving up a part of their lives. What people don't think about is what happens before all of that. They don't think of the hours spent in prayer, the stress of getting passports in order, and having to put your faith completely in God for financial provision. I can't tell you how many cry-fests I've had because of worry over financial support. I've had my feelings hurt over people who I thought would support me, even in prayer, but haven't even said that they'd do that much. It has been one of my biggest worries. There's something really sad about this though. I've never had to rely on God for anything before in my life. I have food, clothing, shelter, and everything else I could possibly think of. I've never had to give anything fully to God before because I knew in the end I could rely on myself to get it done. This is the first time in my life that I have to give it ALL to God or it just won't happen.
I want to know what it's like to rely on God for everything. In Matthew, Jesus is throwing miracles out left and right. Paralytics are brought to their feet and lepers are healed with the touch of his hand. These people could only rely on God to save them. They didn't have fancy medicines. I want my faith to be like theirs, relying completely on Him. I know that something as simple as green pieces of paper is no match for God. I ask that you pray I continue having faith that he will show his provision. God has done so much in my life for me to be completely faithful to him, yet he still wins me back when I that faith falters. I pray that I grow more faithful in him and have patience to wait for him.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Sunday, March 16, 2014
To Lesotho and Beyond!
My campus ministry is sending 60 people to different parts of Africa and Asia this summer and I knew almost immediately that it was what God wanted me to do. I didn't actually pursue it though until November when the first deadline was up and God was practically screaming "Catie! I told you what to do, now go do it!" So I turned in my application and chose Asia since that was where I was eventually supposed to be anyway (who wouldn't have that mindset). But boy was I wrong. Two months later, my heart was absolutely nowhere with Asia. The more I tried to write support letters and tell people that I would be going to Asia this summer, the more convicted I felt about it. But my application had already been submitted (so I thought) and my place should have been permanently set for Asia.I finally told God that the only way I was going to Africa was if he intervened. So I talked to one of my leaders and asked if there was any way I could be switched to Africa. She checked on my application and mine was the only one that hadn't been processed at that point. At that point, I felt at peace that Africa was where God wanted me to be.
You want to be a what?!
This past summer, I began praying about what direction God wanted me to take in my life. I was in between majors and had absolutely no idea where the heck I was going. During this time, I was in a World Lit class with a professor who is very secular. He follows Native American beliefs and is kind of a hippy. I never thought that God would use a man like this to speak to me, but he did. My professor asked us questions that I never had thought of before, such as would the American Dream really fulfill my life. As I began praying and searching in the bible to answer these questions, I realized how frustrated I was by the answers I was getting. The more God revealed, the less content I was about obtaining the husband, the big house, the 2.5 children. Being a new believer, I had only thought about me and my problems up to this point. I didn't think about the others in the world who didn't know him. I realized there was so much more to life than what society had called me to be. It's also when God answered my original question. I was supposed to be a missionary.
Now, when you think missionary you think of going into 3rd world countries with a bible and some bug spray and preaching the gospel. At least that's that I thought being a missionary was. That's why I was so conflicted when God told me that I was supposed to start pursuing a degree in English and learning how to speak Japanese. I had never thought that Japan was a place a missionary would be needed.Financially, they are pretty well off. You don't see commercials on t.v. of children with swollen bellies. You don't hear of the HIV epidemics that steal the lives of their people. But as soon as I began praying, God reveled something so much more important to me than any of those physical needs. He revealed that Japan has a spiritual hunger that has been waiting to be filled. Blessed to live in a place with food, clean water, and medical care, they have never had to rely on God to take care of their physical needs. Even for spiritual needs, if you don't know where to look then how would you know that you could turn to God?
I declared my major that summer and have been studying Japanese ever since. God has given me the ability to pick it up well and has blessed me with an awesome teacher who encourages me. In the next couple of years, I will be studying abroad to further my studies and to start building a network in Japan. I'm excited and nervous and scared all at the same time! But I feel blessed beyond anything to know that God is using me to spread his kingdom.
Now, when you think missionary you think of going into 3rd world countries with a bible and some bug spray and preaching the gospel. At least that's that I thought being a missionary was. That's why I was so conflicted when God told me that I was supposed to start pursuing a degree in English and learning how to speak Japanese. I had never thought that Japan was a place a missionary would be needed.Financially, they are pretty well off. You don't see commercials on t.v. of children with swollen bellies. You don't hear of the HIV epidemics that steal the lives of their people. But as soon as I began praying, God reveled something so much more important to me than any of those physical needs. He revealed that Japan has a spiritual hunger that has been waiting to be filled. Blessed to live in a place with food, clean water, and medical care, they have never had to rely on God to take care of their physical needs. Even for spiritual needs, if you don't know where to look then how would you know that you could turn to God?
I declared my major that summer and have been studying Japanese ever since. God has given me the ability to pick it up well and has blessed me with an awesome teacher who encourages me. In the next couple of years, I will be studying abroad to further my studies and to start building a network in Japan. I'm excited and nervous and scared all at the same time! But I feel blessed beyond anything to know that God is using me to spread his kingdom.
My Testimony
I guess I should start from the beginning of everything. Going into college, I didn’t believe in God. I hated Christians because I was raised in a community that on Sundays would speak of Jesus and loving your neighbor, but Monday through Saturday act like they had never even heard of the Bible. I tried relying on people but was only disappointed. December 2012 was one of the worst months of my life. It was the end of my first semester of college and I was failing one of my classes, my mom was sick and I didn’t know what was wrong with her, and the guy that I had given everything to dropped me. Everything that had given me hope for my life was collapsing before my eyes.
Fast forward to January and I was still a complete mess. I started lying to my friends about very serious things just to get attention, I was taking prescription drugs to fall asleep, and I had absolutely no idea where my life was going. This self destructive pattern continued until the beginning of February when a girl from down the hall came to my dorm room and asked if I’d like to go to her discipleship group. I really didn’t want to go, but I knew that she would probably ask me to go until I went so I figured I might as well. I did not like it at all. The first time I went, they asked for our testimonies and I told them straight up that I wasn’t a Christian. I was defiant and difficult and didn’t want to hear what any of them had to say. But I kept going. I can’t really tell you why, but every time I thought about skipping, the girl would somehow find me and I would end up going. I thought that I finally got my break when I started theatre. My schedule didn’t allow me to go and I thought she would just give up. Instead, she called me the week that we were starting theatre and asked me to go with her somewhere. It turned out that she had found another group that would work with my schedule. That’s when I realized that this wasn’t for some personal gain and that they actually cared about my relationship with their ‘God’.
From then on, I really started paying attention to what they talked about. Being very skeptical, I always questioned everything they said and asked where exactly in the Bible they got their information from. I started reading for myself and praying. I didn’t know exactly what I was praying to, but I began feeling that maybe something was actually listening to me. I attend ChiAlpha services and after a while, started understanding why people would want to have a community like this. I prayed more and listened worship music. I couldn’t get my mind off of it. I was constantly talking to God about anything and everything. I gradually started seeing myself smile more and the anger I had towards the world melted away. On March 4 2012, I went to watch a baptism. The people being baptized were giving their testimonies. This girl was giving hers when she said something that made everything click. “I’m not going to let Satan take away my happiness.” As we were getting in the car to go home, I told the girl who was driving that I wanted to give my life to God but didn’t know how to. She stopped the car and we spent the next couple of hours praying in the church parking lot. I gave my life to God that night.
My life has changed so much since then. I’m involved with a community of people who have changed my entire outlook on what church is. I’m still not perfect, but I’ve found peace in knowing that God doesn’t expect that from me. I still have questions and I’m still searching, but knowing where to search has made things much easier. I have grown to love people (a quality I didn’t have before this) and my life has purpose now. I have friends who don’t believe in God but my feelings haven’t changed about them. I still love them. My life has changed and I know that it's all because of God.
Fast forward to January and I was still a complete mess. I started lying to my friends about very serious things just to get attention, I was taking prescription drugs to fall asleep, and I had absolutely no idea where my life was going. This self destructive pattern continued until the beginning of February when a girl from down the hall came to my dorm room and asked if I’d like to go to her discipleship group. I really didn’t want to go, but I knew that she would probably ask me to go until I went so I figured I might as well. I did not like it at all. The first time I went, they asked for our testimonies and I told them straight up that I wasn’t a Christian. I was defiant and difficult and didn’t want to hear what any of them had to say. But I kept going. I can’t really tell you why, but every time I thought about skipping, the girl would somehow find me and I would end up going. I thought that I finally got my break when I started theatre. My schedule didn’t allow me to go and I thought she would just give up. Instead, she called me the week that we were starting theatre and asked me to go with her somewhere. It turned out that she had found another group that would work with my schedule. That’s when I realized that this wasn’t for some personal gain and that they actually cared about my relationship with their ‘God’.
From then on, I really started paying attention to what they talked about. Being very skeptical, I always questioned everything they said and asked where exactly in the Bible they got their information from. I started reading for myself and praying. I didn’t know exactly what I was praying to, but I began feeling that maybe something was actually listening to me. I attend ChiAlpha services and after a while, started understanding why people would want to have a community like this. I prayed more and listened worship music. I couldn’t get my mind off of it. I was constantly talking to God about anything and everything. I gradually started seeing myself smile more and the anger I had towards the world melted away. On March 4 2012, I went to watch a baptism. The people being baptized were giving their testimonies. This girl was giving hers when she said something that made everything click. “I’m not going to let Satan take away my happiness.” As we were getting in the car to go home, I told the girl who was driving that I wanted to give my life to God but didn’t know how to. She stopped the car and we spent the next couple of hours praying in the church parking lot. I gave my life to God that night.
My life has changed so much since then. I’m involved with a community of people who have changed my entire outlook on what church is. I’m still not perfect, but I’ve found peace in knowing that God doesn’t expect that from me. I still have questions and I’m still searching, but knowing where to search has made things much easier. I have grown to love people (a quality I didn’t have before this) and my life has purpose now. I have friends who don’t believe in God but my feelings haven’t changed about them. I still love them. My life has changed and I know that it's all because of God.
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